Evanna the Teenage Witch And Hibernius Too!
by Parody Master
Summary: Being a teen can be hard, especially when you've got a father like Desmond Tiny. My account of what the said duo's teen years were like. Mild spoilers for books 12 and 11!


Author's Note: I came up with this right on father's day and would have posted it then, had I not been away at camp. Anyway, since there's no way I can wait till next father's day to share it with you all, here is, the teenage years of Evanna and Hibernius Tiny (Tall?)!

**Evanna the Teenage Witch (And Hibernius Too!)**

A huge full moon shown in the night sky dotted with millions of stars. It was a beautiful night; the kind of night when couples went out on dates and thieves could creep into the homes of sleeping citizens and come out with full sacks.

On top of a high cliff that looked out onto the sleeping town below, a cliff that donned the title "Lover's Leap", there was parked a BMW. On the hood of that BMW sat a young man of seventeen, a senior in high school and the leading quarterback of his school's football team. He had sandy-blonde hair and a handsome face, and was guy of every girl's dreams, a real hottie. On his lap sat a small, dainty girl with shiny, gold-blonde hair, smooth skin, long legs, wearing a pink miniskirt and a rather transparent tank-top, the star of many a young man's dreams at night, and right now she was snogging the quarterback like she had nothing to lose except her virginity, her skinny arms dangling losing around his strong neck. Her eyes were bright blue, but right now they were closed in ecstasy.

Suddenly a knife came whizzing out from somewhere inside the trees, slicing a straight path through the air and burying itself in the back of the head of the girl's boyfriend. The youth grunted, sagging against his girlfriend, and she screamed in fright, leaping off him and watching as he slid to the ground, already dead, blood leaking from the side of head and into the earth.

The girl's gaze traveled from her dead boyfriend's body to the depths of the woods, and her expression changed then from sickened horror to a mixture of poutiness and annoyance.

"Daaaaaadddyyyyy, you can't just keep killing every guy I hook up with! It's so embarrassing!"

At those words, a short man wearing a yellow suit, green Wellington boots, thick glasses, and a cross expression walked calmly out from behind the trees.

"Evanna, I will not have you fraternizing with human boys," he said to his daughter. "All they want is to get into your pants."

"But he was different! He-"

"We'll discuss this when we get home, young lady."

Desmond Tiny then pulled out his heart-shaped watch from his pocket, now glowing bright red. A doorway opened up beside him, right in the middle of the air, and he gestured to his daughter to step through.

Stamping her foot angrily, Evanna walked haughtily through, Mr. Tiny directly after her. The doorway collapsed behind him, so there was nothing left of it. In the next minute, Desmond and Evanna Tiny were standing inside an endless cavern filled with all manner of treasures, from bottle caps to the shield used by Alexander the Great in his last battle, and loud, head-banging heavy metal could be heard blasting through the walls.

Grumbling under his breath, Mr. Tiny shoved a chest of drawers aside, revealing a doorway in the wall (though not like the one he and Evanna had just come through). He opened it to reveal a small room (small, at least, compared to the treasure trove that lead to it) with posters of Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Good Charlotte, and an assortment of other band posters taped to the walls. There was also a T.V. with an x-box hooked up to it and such an assortment of videogames that could make even the most avid collector vomit with rage when he saw it. The room in general was hazy with smoke, and positively reeked with the smell of pot. The music was coming from a boom box set on a table next to a bed, on which lay what appeared to a be a teenage boy who just went through a growth spurt.

"Hibernius!" Mr. Tiny yelled over the music. "Turn the music off!"

"What?" Hibernius yelled back, having been somewhat deafened from all his years of listening to heavy metal.

"Turn it off!"

"What?"

"The music! Turn! It! Off!"

"WHAT!"

By now Mr. Tiny knew Hib was just doing it to be a brat-he would have surely heard Mr. Tiny's thoughts and knew what he wanted. As punishment, Mr. Tiny brought to mind the agonized screams from the people of a village he'd set fire to one time. Hibernius immediately leapt off the bed and turned the music off, tears streaming down his face.

"Y'didn't have to do that," He moaned. "Dude, what'd ya do that for?"

Mr. Tiny ignored him and shut the door again, turning to face his daughter who'd been waiting patiently during the whole episode.

"And as for you," He growled at her, "I will not have you dating some rotten human teenage boy. You are above them."

"Ooohhh, and you expect me to fall for an ugly, smelly vampire?" Evanna cried. "No way! No fuckin' way! I'm two-hundred and thirty-three years old, and I think I'm old enough to choose my own fuckin' dates!"

"You will _not_ use that tone with me!" Des Tiny roared. "You will _not_ be dating human boys at that's final!"

"Fine! I'll date women instead! How do you like that _Mr. All-Powerful-Destiny?_"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Mr. Tiny screamed so loudly the place shook, and teenage Hibernius could be heard complaining in his room, "Can't you two keep it down?"

"_I HATE YOU!_" screamed Evanna, before turning angrily on her heal and stomping away dramatically.

"And don't come out until you learn some respect!"

When Evanna had gone to her mile-long, glamorous-would-be-an-understatement-room, Mr. Tiny sighed and felt the tension leave his muscles. Sure, he'd known he'd been taking on a huge responsibility when he decided to have children, but _gawd_, what was up with teens these days?


End file.
